What not to say to queer couples trying to conceive
Everything in this post has actually been said directly to me, and most of the time by people who don’t know me that well.
I share these reflections with the note that everyone is different, and you may have people in your life who you would talk to like this and it’d be totally fine.
My advice (if you’re asking) is let the queer people take the lead in conversations about fertility. Let them share what they want to, and avoid invasive and probing questions to satisfy your own curiosity.
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What not to say to queer couples trying to conceive
You’re so lucky to have two uteruses to work with.
I mean, in my case, mathematically this is correct but not sure where the luck comes into it. Unless it’s coming from cis gay men, the response back should be ‘you’re lucky you have all the tools you need to conceive for free and not experience any form of discrimination or lack of safety because of your relationship’. On another note, making comments about people’s bodies with no knowledge of their connection to it or their medical history is just inappropriate.
Because your wife is carrying this baby, will you carry the next one?
To this I say nunya business. But also absolutely not. It’s not for me for reasons that don’t require any further explanation. Why do you need to ask / know this information?
Are you going to breastfeed the baby too? I heard there’s a pill you can take.
This one hits in two different ways. Firstly, drawing attention to someone’s body parts, especially their chest, can be a very confronting and uncomfortable experience for some trans and gender diverse people. For me, I had a double mastectomy years ago so the breastfeeding ship has well and truly sailed (and by sailed I mean intentionally sunk). Asking me this throws a blinding spotlight on my dysphoria and then I’m tasked with the dilemma of talking about my surgery, and dealing with the apologies once the discomfort is realised.
The second part to this doozy, is that I’ve recently discovered just how sensitive and stigmatised the whole notion of breastfeeding (and not breastfeeding) is. It’s an individual’s choice to breastfeed and not something to casually ask about.
I couldn’t handle IVF - you’re so brave.
Oh, it’s not so much brave as ‘socially infertile’. A lot of queer couples don’t have the choice so they have to go down the IVF path, which is expensive and exhausting. I know you might think this is a compliment and an acknowledgment of the hardship, but it can also read as ‘I’m so glad I didn’t have to do that to start my family’.’
Boys just relate better to men and other boys.
This statement is f**cked, and such a generalisation. When this was said to me there was a strong undertone of ‘a boy needs a father, and there isn’t one in your house’. My response: a child needs loving parents and to feel safe at home. Gender plays no part in that.
Can I see a photo of the dad?? What will his relationship be with your kids? Do you know him??
Any question about donors should be off limits in my opinion. Finding a donor is often the most challenging and limiting part of the process, and is very sensitive and nuanced per arrangement. Also, don’t call any of them dad or mum—they’re donors, not parents.
Never have kids!
Always said with a laugh and a wink wink nudge nudge after describing something completely mundane that their child did to inconvenience them. It’s heartbreaking to have to jump through what feels like 1000 legal, financial, administrative and physical hoops, and 1000+ more emotional ones, to even be in a position to maybe get pregnant. To then hear parents complain and tell you not to have children is just so so so insensitive. The whole culture of bagging out your kids is ick.
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Once a colleague I’d just met turned to me and said ‘you’re a woman of childbearing years…’ and proceeded to read out women’s health information to me in an open plan office. So yeah… don’t say and do things like that either?!
I’d be interested to know your experiences and what could be added to this list. Get in touch using my contact form.